#rollercoastergirl

i’m not quite sure when exactly
i got on this rollercoaster
it might have been a really long time ago
before i had to do daily practices
of learning how to let go

it could also have been before i was born

maybe i was simply attached to a meteor
right before it exploded
perhaps i’ve been thrown
into this whirlwind of emotions
with no fault of my own
or au contraire, because i insisted not to
be anything less than whole

i might have climbed into this montagne russe
just recently
although on a long enough timeline
this ‘recently’ becomes shrouded in relativity

it could have happened last week
when i fantasized about drowning
i opened my eyes under the pressure
of a tidal wave that was suddenly
embracing me tightly
grabbing hold of a stone wall
i pushed myself up
from the arms of a foamy ocean that
seemed determined to have me
and knowing i was drowning
i still felt a peace so strange
it was almost alarming

but regardless of when it started
the bottom line
as well as the top and the middle one
they’re all white
and despite the moment it all began
i still seem to be here now
rolling and tumbling
anxiously and curiously wondering
who i am and if i should step off
jump off
or wait for the rollercoaster to
malfunction
and deliver me to another dimension
made of flacid dreams in which
i’m not drowning
nothurtingnotmissingnotthinking
notfeelingnotlivingnotdreaming

who knows? not me
maybe the girl who sold the roller coaster
to buy herself a bag
labeled
‘how to be free’