Emotional Diarrhe *drop no.2

Why do I feel like I’m losing my mind is a question I’m not sure I can answer. I’m also not entirely sure that the mind is something which can be lost anyway. But things like memory, thoughts, ideas, these we lose every fraction of a second. Not that that would be a bad thing. Should forgetfulness not exist, then imagine the overwhelming character of remembering everything. I think most people would prefer to remember everything, all suffering included, rather than just randomly forget things according with your brain’s need and desire.

I can’t be sure of that either though. Most likely, there are just as many people who would just rather forget everything and start anew each morning.

I think it’s strange how we develop a relationship with ourselves and how that relationship is actually reflected in all the aspects of our life – whether we acknowledge it or not. It might also be the only really important relationship one can have, since it’s the one which more or less determines how you interact with the outside world. Of course, this also implies many aspects of the ego and whether or not you are inclined to cultivate your ego in relation to others or to try to destroy your ego starting from the very relationship you are having with yourself.

I find notions like self-trust, self-confidence, self-anything, to be a lot of self-bullshit. If there is no self, why is there any need for trust, confidence, confirmation and validation?

But of course, this ego-bashing is again of a very theoretical nature, since ego might be the hardest and heaviest thing to let go of…

I am in now way saying that I’ve succeeded in any way at doing that…But I believe it is also a matter of practicing looking deeply into things, analyzing and observing actions and consequences and evaluating the different or possible outcomes of letting your ego take over your whole being.

Maybe this whole ego thing is not even to be discussed, considering that it consists of an accumulation of things from the past, which, even though you can’t say that they can’t affect the present moment, I would ask the question of whether or not it would be a good idea to let things from the past interfere with the present.

It seems strange because everything we are is constructed and composed of everything we were. While at the same time, it is also subject to a constant and unapologetic change. So how exactly is it possible to pacify the two? How can you simply be aware of who you are and why, when all along you’re changing just as you think about these things?

I also find it so strange that although adaptability seems to me like the most defining trait of humans, they all seem to be, at the same time, so pathologically reluctant to change. And of course, it’s also strange to speak in generalizations, since each and every individual had a different outlook on things. At the same time, it’s also quite disturbing that although you would be tempted to go for the seductive belief that we are all unique individuals with one-of-a-kind perspectives, the reality of the matter is that we really are nothing more than robots, invested with the capacity to sometimes think on our own, although such actions might not be desired or encouraged as they create differences which do not fit any longer with the initial pattern. So I’ll take the freedom of generalizing…


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